I’m Tiffany and I am in the mood to tell the anonymous internet world that I feel like a stumbling, bumbling mess today.
This is not a new feeling for me. And I know that this post is not the long-lasting solution I need for everything to fall into place. Instead, I’m accomplishing something in this post that I have wanted to do for a long, long time.
I have lived a life that I know is both common and unique. I am not looking to the internet to suddenly find a voice. I already have one, I assure you, my anonymous reader. No, I am just looking to do one thing today that is different for me. By writing this post, I am staking claim to something I have wanted for most of my life but haven’t done much of anything to make real and not just a dream. I am going to write in a place where other people can read it!
With that, let me share with you what has happened to me today.
This morning I woke up with a familiar sensation.
I did it again.
Call it what you will: messed up, failed, relapsed.
I committed an action (several actions) that I’ve promised repeatedly not to do anymore! I’ve had thoughts that I didn’t want about things I know are wrong.
I’ve stumbled when I want to stand.
Once again, this is not a new condition that I find myself in, and this is not my first time recognizing it. I’ve had multiple points of time in my life when I’ve come face to face with the reality of Paul’s testimony in Romans 7:15 (NIV), “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I’ve also had more than one “come to Jesus” meeting with myself as the sole attendee.
Yet, I discovered something NEW today. Something that has inspired me to write this post. Something that I have recognized from a distance but am just now seeing up close. Something many followers of Christ farther along this road than me have most likely seen for themselves.
In order to experience the love and grace and repentance that I have because of Jesus, I have to fall. Every time I do, I get a reminder about who I am, and I get smacked upside the head anew with who God is. Every time I stumble, He gives me another chance to stand.
Now, y’all don’t know me so it’s easy to confess a small truth about myself: I. Am. Clumsy. Like a big, short-armed T-Rex trying to give a hug. I’m much more likely to crush stuff in my path and fail to properly engage with any objects or people around me. I roar too much, have a larger than life appetite for things not good for me, and I am awkward. (Seriously, do a science project on a T-Rex sometime and tell me God didn’t get a good laugh out of that minor act of Creation.)
So, too often, I take my chance and hit the ground running. Thinking, I got this. I am so going to make it happen this time. I have seen my sin and turned from it and BAM, I’m going to be a winner for Jesus. Just polish me up a smidge, and woo boy, do I shine.
And that lasts all the way until my dog starts barking at the neighbors or my kids haven’t stopped cry-screaming for 30 minutes or any number of small interactions or distractions or temptations come my way.
My resolution to do good only results in failure. But then…Jesus. Perfection. Resolutely un-sinful. Encouragingly alive and doing well. Residing in me and promising an eternity where my Clumsy T-Rex ways become…well…not clumsy at all. Because He hasn’t, doesn’t and won’t fail.
I can stumble because He stands. The Gospel is for me, not about me.
Welcome to this hodgepodge mess that is going to be my blog! Thank you for coming here whatever your reason.
The Clumsy T-Rex