Right now my house is quiet. I just got off a long phone call with a dear friend; we had a great talk spanning multiple subjects and years and issues. My girls are napping, my dog isn’t barking, and I’m relishing the moment of soft peace that has descended over my house.
I’m the type of person who needs these moments. Recently though I’ve been struggling with feeling alone while not being alone. I feel this way at church and with my extended family and even in my ministry.
I’ve been searching for a reason why I feel this way. I tend to want to dig to the root of every feeling and struggle because I’m analytical and detailed. I like lengthy explanations and deep discussions and heady emotions. I like knowledge and facts. I want to be an expert on life, other people, and myself.
Being this way often means that I over-think, over-emote, and over-complicate issues and situations. I spend too much time in my own head and not enough time talking to Jesus.
I’ve been confronted with the reality over the last two years that I am not as self-confident as I would like to believe and also not as independent as I want to be. I worry far, far too much about what others think of me and what my place is in their life. I waste too much of my day feeling alone and believing I am alone when it is simply and dramatically untrue.
In His Word, He promises I am not alone. He sent His Spirit and told me to talk daily and deeply with the Father. He will never leave me or forsake me.
But, I’m slow to listen and quick to act. I fall easily into the trap of recommitting and doing better and thus relying on my own abilities to change my behavior. This system never works for me.
Pursuing God and talking about Him and being obedient in the little things always brings me the same sense of soft peace that I have at this moment.
And I find that when I do focus on Him my sense of being alone fades. I can see and understand myself and others with clarity. He often brings someone along who needs a listener or someone who has the insight I’m lacking because of my self-centeredness. I gain much from such small amounts of obedience, and I long for a day when I have learned to be disciplined and obedient with consistency.
I know that I am not alone, and I’ve leaned enough about Christ to understand that those moments are often my greatest opportunities to draw close to my Lord and Savior. I pray that I can take this moment and live it out instead of just putting it into words.
May God Bless You,
The Clumsy T-Rex