I thought long and hard about what to write about for my 31 days. And I’ll admit that not much substance came to mind. I read a lot of blogs. This has become a recent passion of mine. I love to see people putting their hearts into something they love and feel passionately about, especially women. It always seems from my very tiny corner of the universe that they are all inspired, beautiful writers who know their purpose and never cower in doubt or fear. But I know my spectator opinion is probably dead wrong. I tend towards these idolizing thoughts because (well I’m human for one, but that’s a post for another day) I don’t like to imagine all the hard work they did to get to that point. All the hours of writing, reading, researching, learning, linking…waiting. Mostly, I don’t like the Waiting. Once upon a time, I was a waiter. I loved anticipation. I took delight in delayed gratification. I had peace when something was on its way to me. I’m serious. I really was good at waiting. Why was I so good at it? Because I loved rules. Boundaries and walls were high around my heart. I didn’t dare…ever. Then in my last two years of high school, I changed. I did dare. I pushed the boundaries. I broke rules. I got tired of being a waiter. Always more. Never enough. Patience was a lousy virtue. Waiting was a lie. My 16-25 year old self bought into this way of thinking. Get it now. Take what you want. Don’t look forward or back. Just live for right this second and what you want in this moment. I got tired of trying so hard to be good. This hunger for more, always more, took me to places I didn’t want to go. Somewhere in the midst of that ever growing WANT, I left waiting behind. Indulgence became my daily habit. Making me happy, by any means necessary, became my only virtue. I got seriously lost. Way out there in the world where waiting is an outdated and silly concept reserved for the delusional and prude.
–among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.–Ephesians 2:3 ESV
But God, He changed all that and rescued me from the endless wanting. He made me full when I began to lose hope. He gave and gave to me blessings beyond my wildest dreams. And I learned that I cannot be satisfied through indulgence. It is a beast that can never be filled. Yet, my waiting weakness was already formed and my new knowledge of the fluff of the world didn’t change the fact that this is a lesson I will need repeatedly. I’m bad at waiting but there is much worth waiting for. Weak Waiter, Tiffany