Chaos in Waiting

Now back to our regularly scheduled blogging…

Ah. Monday. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I still feel the sting of Mondays.

For us, it is usually a return to planned activities for the week instead of the more impulsive feel of the weekend. It requires me to get back into a schedule. To embrace the routine.

Too often, with a toddler and a soon-to-be-toddler, routine doesn’t go as planned. And sometimes, we sink into downright CHAOS.

I realize, because of my own experiences, that I often have to face down chaos when I’m waiting on God.

It happens quickly. The deterioration of my calm. The descent into circumstantial madness.  The looking at what is happening around me and sinking into the swell instead of trusting in the hand of the Father.

I start to feel as if I’m drowning because abruptly it’s not just about what I’m waiting on…no. It’s not just about God’s goodness and His love and His desire to shape me into the image of His Son. No.

It’s about the dog barking. The girls crying. The phone ringing. The dishes piling up. Goldfish on the floor. Laundry stacked up. The amount of money in the bank. The bill that hasn’t been paid. All the stuff I haven’t done yet. All the promises I’ve broken. What’s wrong with me? I’m terrible at this. At all of it.

See, how quickly it turns from thoughts of “He’s got this” to “I’m not worth much.” How easily turned aside I am from His character to my shortcomings. How seriously I take my own abilities and how flippantly I disregard His promises. How underwhelmed I am by His constant grace and how overwhelmed I am by the sorrows of this life.

The chaos becomes what I believe in and not the Calm in the Storm. The chaos becomes what I cling to and not the Rock. The chaos becomes my god instead of the One True God.

When I get there…to the place where chaos pretends to reign…I have to take one breath. To remember. To catch the rampaging beast by the tail and turn it over to the Lord. The Lord who promises He’s got me, no matter how bad it is. No matter what I have or haven’t done. No matter what it takes to get my attention. No matter how long it takes me to turn my eyes back to Him. He’s got me.

Feeling blessed today. Despite the chaos. Because of the grace of my Father.

With love.

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