I can’t wait anymore today. This writing thing is becoming more and more important to me. More vital.
I have a person I care and love deeply who just entered into a major crisis in their life. The kind of crisis that cannot be overcome with “It’ll be okay” or “This too shall pass.” A hurt that cannot be brushed off with a roll of the shoulders and looking up to the sky. The road they are suddenly on becomes one of pressure and endurance. A road not easily walked. A road that is devastatingly difficult to walk.
Much is on my heart right now. On my mind. Much I would like to put into eloquent words and warm, fuzzy sentences. But I don’t feel warm and fuzzy right now. I feel pressure.
My mind is full. My chest is tight. My thoughts are difficult to subdue. My desire to step in for someone else has me in its grip, and I’m struggling right now, in this moment, to look to God. To see in Him the answer to this question. To ask Him to relieve this pressure. To help me to endure. To find that He is all sufficient, even for those who don’t look to Him for their answers. To those who look to themselves for their answers. For me. He is sufficient for me.
I’ve done much in my life for which I am not proud. I am not happy. I do regret. I do.
I will not ignore that I feel this way. I will not pretend to be other than I am. I will not lie to myself or to you or to anyone around me.
I’ve messed up. I put my faith in myself too often. And sometimes other people get hurt because of my lousy self-sufficiency. Because I believe too much in my own ability. Because I’m prideful. And I like to be right. And I like to be in the middle of things that are not about me because I seek some kind of acknowledgment there. In that place. That isn’t about me.
That kind of pressure cannot be endured. The pressure to always be succeeding. To always be right. To always be everything to every person. That pressure to not just be me.
I’m not God.
I can’t be.
I’m just me.
How do I let go? How do I let God? I just do? I don’t think its always so simple.
I tell myself to. I rationalize it to myself. I can logic my way into most anything.
But I think I’m beginning to hear the truth.
That this pressure cannot be endured. I cannot stand up under the weight of this world. Of my sin. Of other’s sins. Of the consequences of living fallen and living broken and living apart from Christ.
I CANNOT BEAR THAT WEIGHT.
It’s why He came. Why He died. Why He conquered. Because I cannot. I never could.
I tell you today that the only endurance that can come is when I lay me down before Christ. I can endure when I look to Him to bear the weight. To take the pressure.
I cannot. He can.
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If you would like to comment publicly, simply leave a comment below. I am always grateful for responses. I am also grateful for those who read silently. My heart loves you all. Very much.
As does my Jesus.