A topic that I frequently have reason to discuss off-blog is a topic that I am going to be introducing on-blog. This is an area of recovery for me, and its a little daunting to put out there, but I feel strongly that if I am going to be genuine with all of you then I must go all the way!
This post was something I marked to read in the middle of last week and did not do so. I read it today, and it was like an answer to I don’t even know how many prayers. This perspective ROCKS. This girl who put it out there like this…I get her like she would probably never believe. While I do not understand her singleness, I do understand her HUNGER for something that is not being given to her. For something that she wants, but she must wait to have, and ultimately her resolution to relentlessly put her eyes on Christ. Love it.
When I first got into recovery, I had a dark and dirty little secret. I believed everyone there when they told me they would accept me, but I thought they meant in that as-long-as-you-aren’t-a-dirty-diseased-thing kind of way. I had to learn that they meant NO MATTER WHAT, they would accept me. They would love me. They even, GASP, understood me. WHAT? Totally.
My dark and dirty little secret:
I looked at pornography every day. Every day.
Some of you might get that kind of revelation. Some of you might have no experience with it (though I doubt that applies to many of us, with the saturation of nakedness in this culture and climate).
Some of you might be shocked. Especially if you know me or knew me or we have an association outside of recovery. But, in the interest of being REAL with you guys, I’m going to just say, yes…I had a pornography addiction.
Now, I didn’t understand that at the time. I thought maybe I was just kind of “advanced” with my openness in sexuality. That maybe I was just a little more “adventurous” than the average chick when it came to what I “enjoyed” sexually. But, then, when I became interested in dropping that particular little habit, I realized it was so much more than a little anything.
It, for me, was addiction.
I had to fight it. Hard. I failed a lot while trying to overcome it on my own. I NEVER wanted ANYONE to know. It sickened me, once I could see it for what it was, and the guilt and shame I felt because of it crippled me.
God knew that I needed more than myself, and I needed more than my willpower to let go of this issue. No rationalizing, no logic, no WISHFUL and HOPEFUL or even DESPERATE and BEGGING desire could overcome this attraction for me. This dance with a sin so graphic that it had changed pathways in my brain. Set up neat little paths of desire and gratification that impacted me EVERYWHERE I went.
At work. At the grocery store. At church.
Words. Conversations. Facebook. Twitter.
When I finally…desperately…cried out to God and someone else about this struggle, God gave me a freedom that I didn’t believe was possible. But it was not a freedom from DESIRE. Oh no. It was a freedom to choose differently. To CHOOSE differently. Not to turn off my body’s inbuilt inclinations. No. To choose purity over pornography.
To choose to wait during my wanting. And to let God work in that most intimate of moments. To trust in His power and not in my own.
In little less than a month, God will have walked me through 2 full years of no pornography. Through 2 full years of pursuing His design instead of my desires.
I opened this post pointing you guys towards someone that I know is also being honest about this area of their life.
I pray that if there is something you are holding on to that is against what God has designed for His glory and your good that you would be willing to reach out to someone today. I assure you that there are those out there who are battling something just like you.
I thought I was alone. I thought that I was damaged. Twisted. Disgusting. Perverted.
Then I met other people who kept looking at me once I told the truth. That kept meeting my eyes. Speaking to me with kindness and love. Wanting me to wait as God worked out in me what He has promised to work out in all of those who believe in Him.