Taming the Beast

I’d love to say that I am a grateful person. And, sometimes, I am grateful. Sometimes, I’ll have these beautiful moments with God where I really begin to see all the space I have to be grateful. This space will stretch out in front of me and overwhelm me with God. How vast and great He is and how much He loves me.

Then there are days when I don’t know how to be grateful. Where saying it and wishing I felt it just don’t happen. Where I can count my many blessings and name them one by one and still feel that soft place inside of me caving to my self-pity and discontentment.

I gave a lesson on Monday night at CR. It was one of the most difficult lessons that I have had to do to date and it was primarily because I was teaching on something that I myself struggle with in my recovery: daily time with God.

Some of my days are full-up on God. Nothing but Scripture and blogs and Facebook posts and thoughts on God. God. God.

Then there are days where I can’t seem to think past me. Me. Me.

I hate those days.

They drain me of much needed energy and motivation. I always seem to come off those days lazier and unhappier than I went in to them. And, while I feel empowered to break the cycle, I still seem to battle this issue on a regular basis.

While I was sitting in my chair earlier today, I had the thought about the idea that an object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest (I’ve said before, science is so not my thing…if I am butchering this, MY BAD.)

I am that object. If I START my day with something as cleansing as making the bed…setting right something that is a mess…then my day seems to flow out of that initial decision. If I start the day mellowing out, I tend to mellow myself into not doing anything at all.

This pattern of behavior is changing, however, and I’m grateful for it. There are more days of victory against the lazy beast inside of me than there are of forfeit.

Thank God that He sees fit to work in me. That He sees fit to teach me and mold me and continue His work of making me a new woman. That He still puts people, blogs, sermons, Scripture, family members, tasks in my path despite my extremely slow rate of reaction.

God knew when He got a hold on me that I can be a lazy beast. A seriously lazy beast. And He’s willing to show me all the ways I can tame that beast. All the many ways I can rely on Him and His strength and His ways instead of my own.

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