Sometimes…today for instance…I feel like I try to hard. Want too much. Am somehow not in the cool kids club. Like an outsider.
Been feeling that way for years.
For a long time, I bullied my way through those feelings. Put up a real high wall so that I couldn’t be touched.
Then Jesus ripped it down. One fell swoop and I’m off my pedestal and swimming in “not good enough” territory.
Then, raw and weak and flustered, He put me in a church family and a recovery family and restored relationships with my bio family.
And now, I have to face the consequences of avoiding real people for so long. I have to recognize and repent of my approval idolatry. Wanting people to want me instead of just wanting Jesus.
It. Is. Hard.
I fight it way more than I usually let on. I fight it in fits and bursts looking at Facebook updates and tweets and blogs. Looking across the gym on the Sundays we can make church and wanting to know how they all make it look easy. Like breathing.
Go to recovery where everyone only knows how to be deep. Missing a bit of the simplicity of getting to know strangers.
Just walking around in public feeling at odds with the people around me. For. No. Good. Reason.
Feeling like an alien.
Sometimes, I get the idea that God is teaching me something. Mostly about where my identity is residing and a lot about where it needs to be rooted.
Lord, forgive me this approval idolatry. Help me to just love you more and embrace the many you’ve given me to love.
With Love, Tiffany