There are days, today for instance, where the weight of my sin sits heavy on me. When the knowledge that I am hopelessly sinful makes me nearly sick with disgust. Days where I realize how much I have failed at “being good.”
This time, God’s teaching me something new about myself. And about Him. It is a lesson that I am not easily learning. I can’t seem to grasp a hold of it like I want to. Like I need to.
I keep going back to earthly things….worldly things….sensual and useless things in order to find something. This “something” is elusive and slippery. The momentary burn in my chest and feeling of “having” something dissolves quickly into a want that cannot be satisfied. A need that knows no end. A hunger that no food can fill.
When I try to feed this beast, the ravenous hunger awakens. Only completely starving it out will do. This time, I’m beginning to understand that the beast is not subtle. The beast does not sneak up on me and take me by surprise. No, I let the beast in. Knowingly and willingly and disobediently.
Fragrantly disobedient to the Word of God. Which then puts me in a place of doubt and guilt and fear. It puts my mind on me and my failures and my side of the ledger. Keeps me from the peace and joy and freedom that I have in Christ due to His perfection.
For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:17 (NIV)
The real problem is that I let my sin masquerade as something else entirely. “Just” entertainment. “Just” something to pass the time. “Just” a hobby. “Just” a fleeting obsession. I am so easily entranced by worldly things, and it makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me frustrated. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. It makes me feel small. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel….exactly how I imagine the Enemy wants me to feel. Lost. Alone. Dirty. And his favorite word to whisper to me in the midst of my struggle….
Even if I’ve remained sober to my addiction, I have not achieved my desire to remain pure. Unblemished. Fighting the good fight to stay on the narrow path to enter the true Kingdom. I know I have security through repentance and trusting in Christ. But the weight of being so easily ensnared and entangled, it is a burden I get tired of so easily.
These days, there is a lot happening in the world that I would like to avoid. And some of it is easy to stay away from and some of it is harder.
I’m going to be honest. I’ve strayed a bit off my path. I’ve taken a detour that I would prefer not to have taken. I’ve failed again in ways that I repeatedly promise myself to never fail again. And I’m being honest about here because I’ve been honest about it in real life already.
I’ve decided to go forward with a series of posts on sexuality. Particularly related to my struggles with pornography and fiction and what I’ve learned through my last two years of seeking purity. This path is a difficult one. The pitfalls are large and many. And, in a society where something as grotesque as abuse is twisted into something deceptively pretty and desirable, I understand now that I have a responsibility to speak out.
I have a responsibility to share my wickedness. And in so doing share my redemption. Not to dwell on the past….not to look back there for my answers but to be real. To be real in a world where hoping too much is hidden away. Too much pain is buried deep inside because talking openly about what is really blackening our souls is taboo.
I’m ready for this. Finally, and after much struggle. Much struggle. I’m going forward with what I know God has been speaking to me.