Who knows?

What am I doing?

I ask myself this question all the time. This morning, in fact. Last night, for certain. Almost always when I’m doing something wrong. Engaged in sin. Mired in my own hellish muck.

Then I ask, how did I get here? Why do I keep coming back here? How do I stop?

In that list, there isn’t much Jesus. Did you notice?

I usually don’t notice. I keep thinking I can talk myself out of the choice. I firmly rely on my reasoning abilities. I hope in my desperate pleas for help.

I don’t get down on my knees. I don’t pop open the book of answers. Of promises. Of my only real hope.

Instead, I stay trapped and submissive to my own mind. I rely on something that cannot be trusted.

What am I doing?

Better question. What am I not doing?

Who am I trusting in? 

Better question. Who am I not trusting?

I want a new heart. It’s my hope for today. I’m finally learning not to rely on what has happened before. I’m going to look for my hope in this moment.

I’m going to look at Jesus right now.

He’s the only one that knows what He’s doing.

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