It’s been a while.
Probably too long. No, definitely too long.
Part of me is reluctant to write even now. But, it’s my heart’s way of moving through a powerful moment and engraving it deeper. It’s how God has wired me. This reaction and desire to share this breath, this series of moments. And it is good for me. Necessary sometimes.
I’m struggling. Wandering. Having a hard time staying close to Him and wanting Him and giving myself over. Surrender feels far away. The words to speak and express feel cold coming out of my mouth. Like they haven’t come from my heart.
I’ve been like this for a while. It’s probably a combination of exhaustion and a bit of self isolation. It’s definitely the result of my sinful and indulgent heart.
What it isn’t….it’s not a reason for God to cast me away.
I find a lot of things hard these days. I find it hard to accept certain things in the Bible because my frail and finite heart wants what is right in front of me to be what is real.
I don’t spend a lot of time these days talking to adults. I spend a lot of time listening to my toddlers, watching them pretend, trying to play momma and wifey and daughter and friend and accountability partner and the list goes on. I don’t spend a lot of time self evaluating or digging deep. I don’t have the emotional or spiritual energy for it.
In the past, when I’ve been in this mostly murky, sometimes dark place, I’ve been plagued with doubts. I often feel the weight and pressure of condemnation and rejection. I feel cold and alone and put out. I feel apart but not in the right ways.
Then a night like tonight comes along. One more article that I probably could have done without. One more picture or meme or five minutes playing a little game I could have skipped. Not enough moments looking into my kid’s eyes. And then the slow push of the Spirit to put the device down. Turn on some praise music.
His work is sometimes subtle but always sure. His comfort is always clear to me in those moments. His speaks volumes with such simple lyrics.
You are more than your choices….
You are more than this moment….
You are worth more than you value yourself….
I am bigger than your choices….
I am in and beyond this moment….
I valued you so much that I went to the cross….
It might seem like the smallest of truths, but it shapes me more than a thousand sermons or a hundred memes or ten billion words written by another flawed human trying to dictate what should matter. Who I should be. What I should be doing. How I should be feeling.
As always He draws my attention away from me and into Him. It doesn’t suddenly make me more of a Christian or more of a mom or more of a wife or more of a friend. Sometimes it doesn’t even help my attitude all that much.
But it always reminds me of my God and what He has done and the deep and abiding truth of who I’ve placed my faith in.
Never in me.
Never in what I’ve done or what I’m doing.
Never in this world.
Always in Him. Over and over and over and over again. Until one day it’s not a choice or a feeling but an all consuming every second reality.
The best part of connecting to that music and those lyrics is the reality that I’m not alone. I’m never by myself in these feelings or thoughts or wanderings. It’s the beauty of having such a diverse family put together by God.
There is always Him. There is always me. There is always the others who’ve come to place their faith in Him.
He finds me. Again and again. Not just once. Or twice. Infinitely. Eternally. I am known fully and completely in every way, because He is the finder and the author and the finisher of me and my story.