Month: June 2016

Hiatus

So.

I’m going to keep it simple today. I’m going to be honest.

My heart has been on hiatus. A break of sorts. Hiding. Healing. Restoring.

Last summer, I started my way through the heat growing more and more pregnant and wondering how my life could be so blessed.

Then the summer ended with shots fired and everything changed.

I watched my grandpa curl himself away in grief and illness. I watched my grandma shrink even more. I listened to my siblings cry and my kids ask uncomfortable and challenging questions.

I’ve pulled away from all the pouring out I was doing. I’ve channelled my big, public story into a small, private battle.

And in too many ways, I’ve felt like doing so was failing. Like not living like a beacon of change meant I had become useless to God. I’ve wrestled with hardness. Balked at my own legalistic, rigid and false hopes. I’ve reached for God and felt little. 

But. Four years ago, Clay and I embarked on a life changing moment. We fessed up and walked forward in faith.

And it led me here. To this private place of quiet and away from the public recognition of my walk. God has not left me alone or in isolation. He has gifted me godly and kind friends to walk with me.

He is taking my off my high horse. Simplifying my hopes and expectations. Helping me to get back to empathy and feeling and not letting me live only in my head.

And he’s given me people. Not as many as I had 1.5 years ago. But he’s given me real, raw, in the trenches relationships. People I can honor with my words and my heart. People I can lift up because I see them. And sometimes I’m the only one looking.

And I’m finding that maybe, it is enough. I am enough. Because Jesus is more. Always more. And my hope is in Him.

So. In light of my darkness, I am truly and spectacularly blessed.